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Una de las consecuencias del famoso Foro Mundial del Agua -y me refiero a las que tuvo en relación conmigo, ya lo único relevante en él fue la ocurrencia de dispersar globalifóbicos nada menos que a manguerazos y ganarnos así un espacio en los noticiarios del mundo- fue el tener que viajar en Metro para llegar al despacho. Si bien el Foro era en el Hipódromo, resultó que el príncipe japonés, el rey de Marruecos (o lo que sea) y demás tuvieron la ocurrencia de hospedarse en los hoteles vecinos, y bueno, eso ocasionó que vivieran durante una semana efectivos de todas las fuerzas de seguridad del estado aquí abajo; que sus barricadas impidieran el paso y casi me cayera a los cimientos de un edificio recién demolido, que sus baños Sanirent chorrearan precisamente junto a mi auto y que mis compañeras abogadas fueran más sabroseadas que nunca, entre ellos y los albañiles de las múltiples obras aledañas.
Mientras pretendía abordar y descubría qué aburguesados y chafas hábitos puede adquirir uno sin darse cuenta hasta que se ve ridículo tratando de pescar una red inalámbrica para revisar correos en la Palm en pleno andén del Metro Cuauhtemoc, decidí quedarme con la agenda electrónica en la mano. Bueno, eso de decidir es un eufemismo, porque lo que pasó es que al abordar un vagón atascado realmente no podía mover el brazo hacia ningún lado y lo tuve que dejar ahí medio suspendido en el aire. Afortunadamente no lo necesitaba, ya que la mano izquierda la traía custodiando mi cartera y mis teléfonos, pero el lleno total hacía innecesario tener que agarrarme de algún lado y pude mantener la postura a base de un uso preciso de técnicas de equilibrismo y arrimones. No pensé que ese hecho circunstancial me diera la oportunidad de poder tomar la foto que aparece arriba,y que supongo les llamó la atención tanto como a mí.
Nadie es ajeno a que la publicidad mexicana, si no es estúpida, tiende a un doble sentido bastante simplón, pero pocas veces a lo explícito, o por lo menos, a lo concreto. Pero la maleta promocional de un sujeto usaba una frase contundente: Para las Tetas: Bamitol.
Primero pensé que era un artículo emparentado con las playeras “el wey de a lado es puto”, pero torciéndome bien alcancé a ver el logo de Bayer. Claro, ese movimiento me costó un codazo de una señora que casi suelta su bulto con una anafre, una fibras y un ramo de manzanilla, pero mi curiosidad era mucha. Ya en Chapultepec, el vagón se vació y pude tener esa joya publicitaria frente a mí, y la capté gracias a que tenía lista la Palm. Si no es por ese movimiento rápido, no habría imagen y seguiríamos con el post de la Academia Española, ya que el tipo se mostró receloso cuando un escuincle caguengue que lo acompañaba me acuso y el tipo se pasó la maleta a la panza.
Caminando entre granaderos, PFPs y elementos del Estado Mayor Presidencial pensaba: “Es la publicidad perfecta. No logro olvidarla y además va directo al grano”. Sin embargo, metros después, el olor a desinfectante de los Sanirent recién instalados –era el primer día, antes, claro, que decidiera que no era necesario dejar el coche en la casa y que el mismo se acabara impregnado de líquidos provenientes de esos mismos Sanirent que nunca más volvieron a oler a desinfectante- me hizo caer en cuenta de, si bien, no su imperfección, sí de su perfectibilidad: “Bueno, dice que es para las tetas, pero no dice para lograr qué efecto. No se, tal vez aumenta el tamaño, les quita el aspecto de nabo y/o calcetín con balín o vuelve rosita el pezón o yo que se…o por el contrario, el lema lo dice todo: no es para las tetas, sino efectivamente “para” es decir, erecta o reafirma las tetas…el caso es que si es Bayer es Bueno y ha de estar cabrón el efecto.” Fue en este momento que, ensimismado, me dirigía derechito a la demolición.
Creo que mi principal error antes de empezar a considerar al publicista como un genio fue el tomar la palabra “tetas” como un presupuesto necesario, aceptado y de uso general. Creo que la mayor parte de la gente con la que hablo de glándulas mamarias femeninas las llama así. Pero hay que tomar en cuenta que la gente a la que me refiero son varones coetáneos que cuando no las llaman tetas, se refieren a ellas como gomas, bolas, melones, ubres, chichis, mastos –algún exquisito gusta de llamarlas así- y obviamente si bien es una palabra de las masas, no es de uso general.
Confundido, decidí llegar al fondo del asunto y mi inicial entusiasmo se tornó en decepción: el anónimo publicista que consideraba un paladín del hablar claro, resulto ser uno más de esos farsantes extraídos de burdos pasquines que también gustaba del doble sentido simplón, y resultó además, que una de las palabras de mis compañeros de género, usada correctamente, le daba luz al acertijo:
“Bamitol. Bayer Sanidad Animal.
Reg. S.A.G.A.R. No. Q-0615-040
Ungüento mamario (aplicación tópica)
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Ungüento emoliente de la glándula mamaria, auxiliar en golpes, moretones y procesos inflamatorios de la ubre, que protege y suaviza la piel devolviéndole su elasticidad. Por su acción rubefaciente está indicado en el reumatismo y otras afecciones de las articulaciones.
Especies a las que se aplica: bovinos, cánidos, caprinos, equinos, felinos, ovinos, porcinos, zoológico.”
martes, marzo 28, 2006
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